Now Is the Time to Stop Apologizing!

In my career, I have spent a great deal of time listening to other people.  Whether coaching towards self-improvement or working to develop better performance outcomes; I have listened to others for countless hours, evaluated what they have said and analyzed their intentions. Through it all, I have learned quite a bit about people and their communications.  And for women, in particular, there is one pattern that surfaces quite often. It is “the apology.”  

Over the years, I have noticed that women apologize way too much!  Much more than men.  And I am not exaggerating in the slightest bit.  I have found that women, across the spectrum, say ‘I’m sorry’ in a variety of ways, and mostly for things that aren’t even their fault.  Now, don’t get me wrong, some apologies are definitely appropriate, like arriving late to an appointment, or unintentionally hurting someone’s feelings.  However, I have found that more often than not, women will offer up the word ‘sorry’ multiple times in one conversation.  It’s almost scary… try counting them some time.   

Before I go on, let’s first define the word ‘sorry.’  By definition, the word means regretful, remorseful, guilty, ashamed, sheepish, self-reproachful.  I don’t know about you, but these words seem pretty serious to me, and they tend to carry more negative weight than the actual word ‘sorry’ itself.  So, why then do women use it so often, and for what?

In general, women apologize for their messy houses & cars, for speaking out of turn, for not understanding something, for asking for clarification, for being too early, for being too late, for being on time.  It may sound a little ridiculous, but it’s true! I believe it all stems from a time when etiquette rules dictated that apologies should be offered for the littlest of things, as well as being courteous and polite to others.  However, I feel that many have taken this sentiment to the extreme, without even realizing it.  Here are some real examples of what I’ve heard in conversations most recently…

• I’m sorry about all the toys on the floor.
• I’m sorry I can’t make it to your party on Saturday.
• Sorry about the mess, I haven’t had a chance to clean up.
• I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner.
• I’m sorry, but I don’t eat meat.
• Sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.
• I’m sorry I’m not in a better mood today.
• I’m sorry for the noise, it’s time for her [my baby] to take a nap.
• Forgive my appearance, I didn’t have time to  put on makeup. So sorry.

Are all of these apologies warranted?  Although I agree that it is polite to offer one up in some circumstances, I do not feel that the word ‘sorry’ or ‘forgive me’ needs to ‘precede’ most statements.  In general, when we apologize, we are admitting that there is some fault in our action, statement or ability, and that we have a feeling of ‘regret’ about it.  In turn, it sends a negative signal to our brain, making us feel ashamed of whatever it is we are apologizing for, even if it is not something serious.  A word of advice here… Stop it! 

You don’t need to take ownership of repenting for every feeling you have.  You are entitled to be who you are, and those who know and love you, will accept you unapologetically.  The next time you are thinking of apologizing or if the word ‘sorry’ is on the tip of your tongue, stop and give this some thought…

First, ask yourself, is your apology in response to a comment, look or gesture from the other person?  Most often, it is not; and you are just volunteering an apology before the other person has a chance to bring it up or criticize you. Try sticking the words “I am ashamed” or “I regret” in place of the word “sorry,” and see if it holds the same meaning for you.  If it does not, then try using other words to convey your message… hence, no apology is necessary.

Secondly, if you are indeed responding to a person’s comment or gesture – take note… Was his or her feelings expressed as genuine or judgemental? Did he or she speak with sincerity or sarcasm?  If you truly feel an apology is warranted, make sure it is in response to genuine and substantiated feelings on the part of the other person.  In other words, don’t waste an apology on ‘a hater!’

And lastly, try to remove the word ‘sorry’ from your daily vocabulary overall. In everyday conversation, there is usually less reason to apologize than you think.  Instead, try to validate and express yourself without it… instead of “I’m sorry I missed your call, try “I was busy earlier when you called, and am just now getting free. How are you?”   

Remember, there is no need for your subconscious mind to take on any unnecessary guilty feelings.  Trust me, there will be other occasions in life when the apologies will be needed, so don’t waste them on the unworthy ones.

  -Chintz 💄

Looking for more posts like this? Click here to read some excerpts written earlier this year.

Want to get the latest articles in your inbox, click on ‘join the club’ to subscribe for the latest posts & updates.  Or, feel free to send an email via the contact page.