Why I Had to Let Go After 40 Years…

I couldn’t believe it was over… and I wouldn’t have believed that it would have happened to me, but it did.  Some of life’s twists and turns truly amaze me, and some just hurt to the core!  I don’t really know the exact day or time that it happened, and to this day, I am still not exactly sure why.  All I know is that my oldest and one of my dearest friends is gone.  And I don’t mean dead, I mean we just don’t speak anymore.  

I’ve known Tania since kindergarten.  We attended the same elementary school for 9 years, and lived just a few blocks from each other.  We had similar family structures, we both had a younger brother, we both attended the same church, and we both had birthday parties and hang outs, just as any other child growing up.  We ended up going to different high schools, so we weren’t as close during that time.  However, we reconnected in college and became good friends all over again.  We hung out on weekends, we went on double-dates, we traveled together, and I was her maid of honor in her wedding.  But, most importantly, we were there to support each other through the years.

Fast forward, and we are in our mid-forties.  I am married with two children, one boy and one girl.  SHe is divorced with two beautiful daughters.  We live states apart, but still try to connect when we can, to support one another as best we can, and because we had a friendship that was grounded in love… or so I thought.

As I said, I don’t remember the day it happened.  Perhaps I should be ashamed of not being able to pin down the exact time, but hey, life gets in the way.  All I remember is her leaving me a voicemail to give her a call back when I got a chance.  And that was it.  That was the last time I remember hearing her voice.  Now, I do have to admit that it took me awhile to give her that call back, but that is nothing new in our relationship.  Between working, raising kids, assisting with elderly parents, life would occasionally cause delays in our speaking.  However, we always seemed to come together when needed, and it was as if there was no break in our conversations at all.  

So, what happened, you ask?  I really don’t know.  She stopped returning my phone calls, she stopped responding to my texts, and that was that.  It’s sad for me to admit this, but it took me a while to even realize that she wasn’t speaking to me anymore.  I just figured that she was busy, as I was.  Or, perhaps she was going through a rough phase and didn’t feel like reaching out at the time, as I had been through once before.  Either way, I figured it was a matter of time before we spoke again and picked up where we left off.  But, that time never came.  

When it did finally hit me, I was hurt.  I couldn’t figure out what I could possibly have done to offend her in such a way.  I apologized via voicemail, and indicated that she could still reach out to me if and when needed. I even thought of writing her a letter of apology.  As more time passed, I became angry!  How dare she just stop calling?  How could she be so callous and cruel, when I had devoted so much of my time and energy to our relationship over the years?  I was going to write a letter to give her a piece of my mind!  But later still, I eventually felt defeated, because there was no other way to describe the feeling of being rejected, written off, used and tossed aside.  I thought of writing her a letter to let her know how I felt and that I would not reach out to her anymore.

In the end, I did none of these things.  Today, I am content with what happened and the fact that I did nothing.  Although, I do think that I should have taken less time to go through that myriad of feelings, I do feel it was helpful in getting me to where I am today. I ended up realizing that it was a waste of my time to try and salvage the relationship, especially when she was willing to give up on the same thing that I was fighting to hold on to.  Whatever the misunderstanding, however I ‘wronged’ her, it was ok for her to give up on our 40 year old friendship, without even telling me why.  So, why was I trying to repair a relationship that was clearly broken all this time?  When I thought about it, I feel I gave more than I got in return. So, in retrospect, the tables were not even at all.

Overall, I know my self worth, and I know what type of friend I had been to her over the years. As with any other relationship, we need to value ourselves and know what we bring to the table as an individual.  A toxic relationship may not just be the one where abuse is involved, but also in the one that seems innocent enough and true.  In either case, it is important to pay attention to what you contribute and what others do.  I can’t say that I wasted the last 40 years on this friendship, and obviously, there were many good times we shared.  However, I have learned that not every friend values the same things, even if in the same relationship.  Looking back, the signs were actually clearer than I originally noticed. 

In the end, it is up to us to pay closer attention to those who we devote our time and energy to, and whether those relationships are truly worth it… as we are valuable beings!  “If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be chasing after people who don’t love you either.”

– Chintz 💄

(For more motivational quotes, please see my IG page.)

*This is my true story.  However, names have been changed to protect the privacy of others.

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