Million dollar question… Am I a bad mom? … And more importantly, exactly what day is it, anyway?
At first, I honestly couldn’t tell you what day it is or how many weeks we’ve all been cooped up in our home together. However, when I finally looked at the calendar, I realized it’s been 30 days… and counting!
If anyone would have told me that I would spend 4 weeks straight, at home, along with my family, and not feel rested and fulfilled… I wouldn’t have believed it. Prior to this pandemic, I would’ve killed for a few weeks at home! And I could think of a thousand things I could get done in that time. But alas, I can count on one hand how many things I’ve actually accomplished and how much quality time I’ve actually spent with my family. I know… all of this seems trivial, when you think of all the suffering that is going on in the world. However, being one of the fortunate ones, healthy and able to work from home, I felt compelled to try to make the best of my situation. And I started out to do just that – 4 weeks ago (see Surviving Lock-down). I was ecstatic to be safe at home, and happy to get some respite from my daily commute. However, 30 days later… as grateful as I still am, I don’t feel motivated to do much at all.
Day 30… I get up in just enough time to ensure my kids are awake for ‘virtual’ school, and then I attempt to get myself ready for work. Some mornings this consists of a shower, clean clothes and makeup, but most mornings it merely involves me putting on my robe, brushing my teeth, and brewing a pot of coffee. Yes, a lot of coffee! Did I mention that I don’t really sleep well these days? Anyway, once I’ve poured a fresh hot cup, I meander over to my dining room table, where I have my laptop and files waiting for me to begin my workday. Then it’s emails, word documents, conference calls, spreadsheets and more emails. Somewhere in there, I force myself to have some sort of lunch available for everyone (sometimes), and I try to think of what to make for dinner (that everyone will want to eat). Did I mention that I also live with some very picky eaters?
By mid-afternoon, I usually find myself still busy at work and no more accomplished than when I woke up. Oh, and did I mention that I am sometimes still not dressed by this time? As the afternoon continues… I dread even thinking about my end of day, which includes cooking, checking homework and fussing over the mess that was made during the time while I was ‘working.’ By the time 5 o’clock rolls around, I find myself feeling somewhat unproductive, slightly irritable and fighting the urge to uncork the bottle of red wine in the kitchen, and pour myself a tall glass! (And to be honest, some days I do!)
After 30 days, you would think that I had gotten the swing of things and would be in a definite groove. In this past month, I have spent more time at home than I ever have… but am I using it wisely? Why do I still feel like I’m caught in some warped episode of The Twilight Zone? Where’s that ‘quality time’? Where’s my motivation? Where’s my patience? Where’s my energy?
So, once again I ask – am I a bad mom? …The overall answer is no, I am not. None of us are. We are all doing our best to handle our situations and do what we need to, in order to keep our sanity and our homes intact. My kids may be eating way too much junk food, but they are alive and well. My house may be messy, but everyone in it is comfortable. My family may not be spending as much quality time together as we should, but we are doing it more now than we did a few weeks ago.
I’m only going to say this once… let’s not be so hard on ourselves. Let’s do whatever it takes to make it through – one day at a time. And, if we don’t get everything done, it’s actually ok! No matter how long this lock-down lasts, we will survive – and so will our kids!
And for those of you who are not in one of the states currently on lock-down, please know that this is all very real and very necessary. As bad as things are… it would be so much worse if we were all out and about, exposing each other to more sickness and death. My thoughts and prayers are with all those who are suffering, as well as the many essential workers who are out there on a daily basis… working hard to keep our society going and helping to save lives! None of us are promised tomorrow, but none of us were promised yesterday either. So, let’s just be grateful for what we have and what we can do for now…whether it’s working on a laptop all day, vegging out on the couch, spending time with our kids, or hiding from our kids… take each moment as it comes, and worry about everything else another day.
– Chintz
