When and How to Be a Little Selfish

One thing I know for sure is that you cannot please all of the people all of the time.  Trust me, I have tried!  As a working mom, wife, professional, daughter, sister, aunt, church member, neighbor, colleague, friend… there just isn’t enough of me to go around.  As women, we usually have the best intentions, and many of us feel that it is part of our responsibility to keep all of the people closest to us happy (or least content) in our relationships with them.  However, the sad truth is that most of the time, doing so is not an easy task; and often it is an impossibility.

I remember one of my very first experiences being “really torn” between two of my closest relationships, both of which needed/deserved my attention.  The experience took place when I was a new mom; right around the time my daughter (my first born) turned one.  It was a cold winter day when I decided to book a weekend getaway at a lake house, so we could escape the hustle and bustle of our day-to-day lives. My husband, daughter and I packed up our car and headed out of town for some well needed respite. 

Although the three of us were pretty content in our cabin that weekend, I felt a slight unrest on that Saturday afternoon.  It was when my husband wanted to watch a movie with me, and my daughter didn’t want to take a nap.  My husband looked at me lovingly, clearly wanting to spend some quality time; and my daughter looked at me with sad eyes, wanting me to read and play with her.

I know… it wasn’t some big earth-shattering moment, but it was noteworthy nonetheless.  I just remember feeling awful that I couldn’t somehow split myself in two to spend an equal amount of time with each of them at the same time.  Although I am sure neither of them felt the pressure or stress that I felt in that moment, and clearly neither of them remember it… I still felt responsible for not being able to please both of them at the same time that afternoon. 

Why did I feel that way?  Was it really that serious a dilemma? Perhaps you disagree with my inner turmoil, and none of this resonates with you or makes any sense.  And if that’s the case, then my hat’s off to you.  However, for those of you who do know what I am referring to and have experienced similar conflicts, please read on.  As I’ve gotten older, I can say that I have learned to deal with this pressure quite differently, and I adjust my priorities along with my relationships accordingly.  However, to be honest, I still occasionally experience the “guilt” of “choosing” one loved one over another.  So, what is a woman to do?

The question to ask yourself, is how do you maintain a healthy relationship amongst the multitudes of people you know and love, all while maintaining your own healthy mindset, sanity and happiness?  I’ll tell you… You have to be a little bit selfish sometimes.  Yes, I said it – selfish! 

Now, I am not saying that you give up trying to share yourself or be neutral, nor am I saying to ignore any one relationship over another.  What I am saying is that you have to think a little differently and train your thought process to respond to others with a new method in mind.  Let me explain.

First, let’s look at the word selfish, which I feel carries a negative connotation, although it doesn’t have to.  What is the actual definition of the word?  Selfish is defined as “lacking consideration for others; or concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.”  Now, is that truly such a “bad” thing?  I am not insinuating that you do this consistently with those whom you love, or that you ignore anyone entirely.  Besides, being considerate is a way of life and the polite thing to do. 

However… just as I mentioned in my last post Now Is the Time to Stop Apologizing, I believe there should be a limit to one’s considerations.  Doesn’t it make sense to be concerned mainly about your own personal happiness and pleasure first?  I know some of you may disagree, and that’s ok.  This kind of philosophy is not for everyone, and I am a true believer of “you have to do what works for you.”  However, you may want to give this way of thinking a try, especially if you have any feelings of guilt, stress, being overwhelmed, stretched thin, exhausted, or just plain unhappy.

If you are unsure when or how to begin, just start small.  Every time you feel as if you are being pulled in too many different directions – stop, take a minute to pull back from it all, and think of how you could do something for yourself first.  Develop a relaxing technique or activity that you can do relatively quickly, and then revisit the situation with those around you.  I know this is not always possible, and sometimes compromise is necessary; but I have learned that it does help to take a deep breath, meditate for a few minutes, say a prayer, or if you have time, embark on a longer activity, like going for a walk or taking a bath.  Start small, and you can work your way up to longer and more complex techniques as time goes on.  Think of it this way… you need to give to yourself before you can give to others. 

If I think back on that wintry afternoon, I honestly can’t even remember what I did at that moment.  It sounds crazy, but the actual outcome or result was clearly not as bad as how I made myself feel over the dilemma itself.  Perhaps if I had stopped to think of me first… I would’ve placed my daughter in my husband’s care and went to take a long luxurious bubble-bath instead.  I can almost guarantee I would’ve felt better when I emerged; and I probably would have cared less about the initial conflict over my valuable time.

  -Chintz 💄

Looking for more posts like this? Click here to read some excerpts written earlier this year.

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